Thug Life

So, a few years ago, I broke down country music…you know, to help those out there get a good look at what it’s all about.  Today, however, I would like to breakdown a certain artist.  One who is an upstanding American – a wonderful role model for young girls everywhere.  Her lyrical genius makes women everywhere proud of their XX chromosomes.  Who else would rhyme “tok” with “rock”?  That’s right everyone, I’m talking about Ke$ha (no worries, the dollar sign isn’t silent, it works together with the h to make the “sh” sound.)  Now, before you get upset because I’m bashing this “don’t call me pop” sensation, just know, I am guilty of singing her songs too…even liking some of them.  I recently performed a magical little dance number to one as part of my dear friends Bekah and Marshal’s wedding.  So, just know that if you mindlessly sing along, it’s fun.  However, when you really listen, questions and issues arise:

1. So, Ke$sha likes to mention that she “brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack”.  Now, I went through a brief whiskey phase…by that I mean, it cured me from my sinus infection and then became my go-to medicine.  However, how yellow and grimey would that make your teeth feel?  And wouldn’t it burn, at least a little?  I know that in proper teeth hygiene, usually the key is to find something that will prevent cavities.  I’m having a hard time believing that whiskey will do that.  It is my professional dental opinion that it actually will eat the enamel off of your teeth, like the acid in a lemon.  A plus, perhaps is that most toothpastes have abrasives that scour off bacterial films.  I do believe that whiskey could do that.  In fact, if she were to brush her teeth with, Kentucky deluxe or a cheap whiskey, she might actually be able to, not only breathe fire, but it would be abrasive enough to eat away at the gums, causing tooth loss, thus removing the bacterial film.-of course that is if the lemon effect, mentioned earlier, did not work.  Conclusion: Because she brushes with a bottle of Jack, her dental hygiene bill must be extraordinarily high (Jack is a more expensive whiskey and much more expensive than toothpaste.  You can’t get Jack at the Dollar Store.) but her teeth are probably rotting out.  Not to mention, her breath must be horrific.
2. A favorite song of mine is her “Blah Blah Blah”.  However, there is a line that says “Just show me where your d*ck’s at”…ok, Ke$h, I understand that the fact that you ended that sentence in a preposition is the least of your worries.  Apparently, she is from a town that preaches abstinence only too!  This poor girl has been wondering around for 20 or so years, not knowing anything about the opposite sex.  Did you not own a Ken doll, Ke$h?  You poor underprivileged child.  I mean, bless her little heart.  Her context clues must be off, if she can’t get a handle on that.  I mean, when looking at a male, I see that his face is at the top of his body, front of his head…just like mine.  Our arms are positioned at the same place.  Our legs, chest, back…I mean…follow the pattern Ke$ha.  It’s not that hard.  Any idiot can figure it out.  Conclusion: Ke$ha must not have passed anatomy.  And someone should explain to the poor girl about the birds and the bees, if that is going to be the basis of all of her songs.
3. Now “Your Love is My Drug” is a cute song.  I mean, yay let’s get high on love, not pot!  Woo hoo, good message – well, better message than we’re used to with Ke$h.  However, in said drug song, she says “want to have a slumber party in my basement.”  Ok, 1.)  Does that mean you live at your parent’s house?  2.)  That is gross.  Are you planning on watching movies and doing each other’s hair?  3.)  That is a terrifying suggestion.  If a guy asked me to have a slumber party in his basement, it would definitely send up some red flags.  Does your basement have a lock on it?  I’ve seen that movie with Kathy Bates and James Khan.  I do not think that this slumber party is going to be fun, and it actually sounds quite terrifying.  And, if you have a slumber party in Ke$ha’s basement, do you need to pack your own toothpaste?  Because clearly she brushes with whiskey, and some people might prefer that minty clean feel after brushing, instead of the drunken whore feel.  Conclusion: Do not accept slumber party invitations from Ke$ha.
4. My roommate recently brought Ke$ha’s new song to my attention.  I don’t even know what it’s called, but it has the Egyptian song feel to it.  In fact, it’s the same tune that Bible Zone used about a song for idols.  I just googled it.  It’s called “Take it Off” – sounds promising.  Ray said this song reminds her of a Weird Al parody of a Brittney Spear’s song.  I agree.  “It’s a hole-in-the-wall, it’s a dirty free-for-all”… she goes on to mention that this place has glitter on the floor.  However, she did say she has a water bottle full of whiskey (in case she needs to brush her teeth, to impress the fellas) and she’s already sent out some drunken texts, that she’ll regret later.  So this hole-in-the-wall place is either FABULOUS or Ke$ha’s so drunk off her water bottle of whiskey, that she sees glitter on the floor.  She’s probably about to pass out from alcohol poisoning.  I hope someone gets her to the hospital in time.  Conclusion: It’s been my experience, that hole-in-the-wall bars do NOT have glitter on the floor (unless the patrons beat a tranny and it’s just what we call evidence).  So, it’s been determined that Ke$ha is to the point where she’s hallucinating.  She probably needs her stomach pumped.
5. Finally, Ke$ha and the group 3OH!3 (if they ask you to do the Hellen Keller…just walk away.  Hips can’t talk) have collaborated on many a song, but the one that I want to address now, is the one called (I think) “My First Kiss”.  Now, this really seals the deal about what sort of an underprivileged childhood this poor girl had to endure.  First, she is unable to find a crotch on her own; now, she has confused a radio and a television!  Clearly, she’s never owned either, because otherwise, she would not say “My first kiss went a little like this…” and then you wait…and wait for more details through her incredible lyrics…but nothing happens.  She makes a noise.  Which, I take as a cry for help.  I think she is acting out her first kiss (which was hopefully pre-whiskey).  But I don’t know that she realizes that when hearing it on the radio, you can’t see her reenactment.  Poor thing.  If only she knew the difference between the box with the moving pictures, and the little black box with sounds trapped inside.  Conclusion: Ke$ha doesn’t know difference between television and radio.

Alright, I know I’ve been a little harsh towards old girl.  I do catch myself thoroughly enjoying it as I sing along.  And I get Tik Tok stuck in my head more than any other song.  I truly do enjoy her cheerleader/skank personality.  And if I wasn’t in a place of business, I would paint a black star over my eye like her and I would use a voice simulator and hope to be so fabulous I threw up glitter.  Oh and I would fist pump like the Jersey Shore people, non-stop if I was responsible for such fly beats.  However, I am not, so, unless I start eating glitter, I just have to have Tik Tok stuck in my head and wonder how her life would have been different if someone would have introduced her to an anatomy book and given her some Colgate.