Thug Life

Let me tell you something about fair-skinned people like me.  Every year, we think this is the year our bodies are magically going to produce more pigment and we are going to get a tan.  Wrong.  And every year I end up red and burned to a crisp.   I see my sister and cousins who just think about tanning and BAM they are bronze goddesses.  Then there is me.  Growing up being called “Powder” and “Albino” really ruins a person.  So, what do I do?  I got a tanning bed membership.  My golden sister goes, and I thought “Self, this makes sense.  We have some of the same genes…it will work this year.”  So, I go.  I go for just a few minutes.  No  burn.  Whew.  I survived the Lubbock tornado to tan.  So, Saturday morning, the sister and I go to tan.  I’m brave.  I didn’t burn last time.  This time.  I’ll up it.  And I will try a dun dun dun STAND UP BED.  My Metabolic peeps said that stand ups are the best ones to use because of circulation and blah blah blah.  So, I say 10 minutes for a stand up please.  Away I go.

Have you ever been burned under your arm pits?  Let me tell you something about the under armpit area.  Everything touches it.  Everything rubs up against it.  Oh and your hips…yeah.  Jeans, even elastic bands are always touching it.  I am radiating heat off my crispy red body.  I’m to the point where I am so red, I can’t tell if I am actually still red, or if I’m really dark.  Maybe my retnas are burned too. Rock lobster.

Remember my army friend?  Yeah, the one who didn’t realize it was me.  Well one time he texted me and asked if he should take a bath in bleach because he was sunburned.  After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I told him it was a BAD idea.  Well, my cousin, Candice, who is my role model, told me to take a hot shower.  Well, I’ll see your shower and raise you a bath.  Why?  Apparently I am insane.  I have never.   I repeat NEVER been in more pain.  I do this to myself.  Good Lord.