Thug Life

Kristin Moment 1,263: The Glute Massage

So, today, I got a massage!  Seriously.  At Massage Envy, if it is your first time there, you can get a 1 hour for $39.  Now, I know what you are all thinking “Kristin, you’re dating a chiropractor, why would you need a massage?”  Well, my lower back hurts because we haven’t had a date in 3 weeks and I drove about 900 miles the last two days.  Anywho, so I go and I’m telling my masseuse (it’s cool to say that.  I feel like a movie star)  that my lower back is KILLING me.  Well, sweet Becky the Masseuse said that since I was driving it could be my hummmmmmmm (I blacked out from boredom about right here) mmmmmmm, so you’ll need to have your glutes worked on.  ‘Scuse me?  By glutes you mean my lower back right?  Here is how the rest of the conversation went:

Becky: So, you’ll have to take everything off.
Kristin: So, you mean, like take everything off.
Becky: Yes.  Everything.
Kristin: Like everything?
Becky: Yes.  Ev-er-y-thing.  (She said that last part really slow.)

She leaves.  I begin to hyperventilate.  I have had massages before, but this was about too much for me.  No lie, the first time I ever had a massage, I didn’t even take my jeans off.  Like…I just woah.  Who else do you know has a mini-anxiety attack when she is in the most relaxing environment in the world…that’s right.  Only Kristin K. Thomas.

Kristin Moment 1,264: The Tale of the Slippery Sandal

During my wonderful massage, I can hear my phone buzzing…about 50 times.  My dear, sweet sister, Nicole S. Thomas, and I had made plans for me to bring her a Diet DP at work today.  We never really see each other during the week because of our schedules and I was gone this weekend, so I wanted to spend some QT with Coey.  Anywho, trying to get where she is located was like trying to find the black box of Oceanic Flight 815.  She was being shady.  Which, if you know Nicole, is nothing out of the ordinary, but she keeps insisting on me bringing her a coke, but is not revealing her destination.  So, I just figure it out, using the GPS in my head and off I trek.  As I’m walking up to the Preston Smith Medical Library in the 80 mph wind, I notice that some of the grass is a little wet.  I keep on treking.  I find Nicole, she shows me her work space…and get this, her section.  My sister has a section in the library where Med Students are encouraged to find her to ask her questions.  My friend Aaron was actually in her section and she says “Yeah, keep it tidy”.  Only Nicole.  Then I meet her very cute co-worker.  Oh and part of the tour, Nicole took me to a window where she stared out and said “this is the window I come and stare out for hours.”   So funny.  She pressed her face against the glass.  Clawed at the glass, you know.  Stuff like that.  So, as I’m leaving, knowing good and well that there are tons of windows and med students all around, I start walking (again through the grass) to my car.  Well, my feet are already sliding around my gladiator/Jesus sandals because of the aforementioned massage.  Then I step in water.  Now, I’m not walking through the grass by myself.  Oh no.  I am walking in a group of students.  I reach a patch of grass that is sopping wet.  I begin kicking water out of my sandals.   Up onto the med student in front of me.  I begin to panic.  However, before I can even apologize, my feet are slipping every which way.  It’s like someone has poured gallons of baby oil on my feet.  So, my toes are slipping this way and that, but my shoes are bound to my leg via an ankle strap.  I look like Neal Armstrong trying to walk on the moon.  Not to mention the wonderful West Texas wind that picked up at that very moment because, well, let’s face it, that’s the way my life goes.  I looked like Ariel when she first switched from fins to legs, only I had no Prince Eric to catch me.  By the time I got to my car, I had blond hair plastered to my face, obstructing my vision.  My curled up (little like Aunt Doris’) pinky toe is hanging off my right shoe, dragging it’s curled up little self across the parking lot.  My left shoe has turned up to where the soul is on the top portion of my foot.  And that my friends, is how the Preston Smith Medical Library will always remember yours truly.