Thug Life

Ok, so I get it.  I’m pale.  I’m never going to have the golden bronze skin of my little sissy.  Never.  I’m embracing that.  Now, let me let you in on a little secret every pale person knows, but tan people don’t think they know.  Are you ready for this?  WE KNOW WE’RE PALE!  I don’t know why people think we don’t know that, but we do.  And yet, every person you ever meet likes to remind you of this fact, regardless of your relationship with them.  It really used to hurt my feelings.  I grew up in Lorenzo, where NO ONE is pastey…except Kristin K. and I had the blond mullet and silver teeth.  That’s neither here nor there.  So, like I was saying it really used to hurt my feelings.  I was tormented as a child for having pale skin.  I hate it when people feel it is their duty to remind me how I don’t look like everyone else.  Now, I am just angry and sick of it.  I’m past the point of having my feelings hurt.

A few weekends ago, at my cousin’s birthday party, I had a relative comment on the fact that I was peeling and then she goes “And yet you’re still so white.  Why are you still so white?”…my response “I guess God just hates me.”  What do you say to that?  Is being pale really that repulsive to people?  So, here are some of the common questions/input I am given and how I’m going to respond from now on:

Scenario Number 1:
Random Person: You are so pale.  Have you ever tried a tanning bed?
Kristin K. Thomas Response: Oh my gosh, you are so smart.  I don’t know why I haven’t thought of that before.  Wait, I have.  I don’t know you you’ve seen the sign, with the giant letters that say “PEOPLE WHO DON’T TAN IN THE SUN ARE UNLIKEY TO TAN IN THIS DEVICE.” Oh, and next time I try the tanning bed, I’ll let you take a looksey at my nether regions.  In fact, I’ll let you rub me down with aloe.

Scenario Number 2:
Random Person: Oh my goodness, you’re pale.
Kristin K. Thomas Response: Oh my goodness, you’re fat.
Ok, so I would never really say this.  But it is tempting sometimes to point out their flaws and see how they like it.

Scenario Number 3:
Random Person: [Laughter] Oh my gosh, you’re so pale. Look. [Holds arm out to compare skin tones]
Kristin K. Thomas Response: Look at it up close…[forearm to nose].  I may be pale, but your nose looks broken.

And if those three fail, which I imagine they will, I have googled how to deal with Immensely Rude People, and I’ve commented on what to do if those fail:

1. Look right at them say their name and tell them to stop. Keep repeating until their attitude changes or they stop. Example “Mike, stop”, or you can say, “That’s not appreciated, cut that out.” Keep increasing aggressiveness as necessary until the balance of power is equalized. They don’t want to cooperate with you, they want to control you.  If that doesn’t work, kick them in the junk.
2. Be better than them. If they brag or do something annoying, look at their facial expressions. Is their face blank and matter-of-fact, or does it have a smirk? If it is the latter, proceed on. If it isn’t, simply try to turn the conversation.  If that doesn’t work, kick them in the junk.
3. Take a second to maintain your calm. After a while, you will start doing this automatically.  Again, if that doesn’t work, you know the drill.
4. Give a smart, but polite reply that will not hurt either of you, but deeply satisfy your feelings. Here are some examples:

   “I have a cell phone. I bet you don’t!” you would say “Of course I don’t. I don’t need one, as I prefer to enjoy talking to people face-to-face.”

   “Why are you acting like a nerd?” say “I’m sorry. I am a geek not a nerd.”  This one is just ridiculous.  I can see it going badly for everyone.  Refer to Kristin’s actions above.

5. Always be on the ready. Whenever you are at leisure, think of some common crows that people make, and make your own polite reply. “Call me ‘Powder’ again and I’ll judo chop your candy *beeeep.”
6. Don’t give them what they want by acting jealous. If they keep bragging, just smile and say “That’s nice.”  “Nice pigment.  Did you know the #1 cancer among people our age is skin cancer?  Yeah, so keep tanning.”
7. Act like you’re more mature than they are.  “Clearly this blog shows that.”
8. Steer the conversation away to something they couldn’t possibly be rude about, like the weather.  Note: In Lubbock, it’s hot and sunny, Pale-ies, steer clear of weather.  Back handed compliments are the way to go on this one.
9. Avoid them if they keep on bothering you.  This one is a toughy.  Because I’ve noticed that no matter where I go, random strangers/friends make it their business to comment on my skin color…so the only way to avoid them are to live in a cave and I’m sure even park rangers would kick you while down.  Avoid number 9 all together.
10. Try to ignore them if they keep on bothering you after you try all of the previous steps. I may take this one to heart.  Just pretend you can’t hear them.  Maybe then they will get the point.

I’m sure some of the smartie briches out there will comment now, just to bug me…I expect it.  But, seriously, you don’t comment on how dark someone is.  Like not someone who just got back from the beach, but someone who really is dark.  You would get your face punched, so why do people think it’s ok to say something to someone pale?

Let me first say this: If I ever am in the situation where I am stranded on a desert island or lost in a forrest, I do not want a first aid kit.  No, I don’t want matches or a compass or anything wussy like that.  I want 2 things…a Ukrainian man and a Ukrainian Woman.  I am so jealous of their…skills…for everything.  Everything.  They scamper up mountains like goats.  They build fires, with rocks and the position of the sun.  I don’t understand it…I never will.  Even the gorgeous models are out there in their miniskirts and high heels, scampering.  They are in dresses picking up trash that weighs twice as much as they do.  I’m in shock and awe.  I swear there is this one girl who has to be a descendant of, like, a Ukrainian version of Grizzly Adams or McGaiver.  She is like nothing I’ve ever seen.  Not only is she so cute, she isn’t even out of breath when climbing Mt. St. Ukraine.  No, no.  She isn’t even sweating.  Then she scurries into the forrest and hauls life-size trees to build a fire.  Then whittles us a picnic table to sit on, and serves us a 5 course meal that she found in the forrest.  I’m pretty sure she caught, cleaned and whatever else you do to meat (that you don’t buy at United) whilst on our little forrest hike.  I’m constantly amazed.  Oh and they have the BEST work ethic of anyone ever.  Even Papa, who has worked from 4:00 am to Midnight the last 70 years is P’wned (if you will) by these little Ukrainians.  I try to keep up, but Mama isn’t doing so hot.

So, with all that said, let me just say it again,  Man, I LOVE UKRAINE!  I’m having the absolute time of my life.  Yesterday, we did VBS at an orphanage.  My crazy, naive self thought it would be easy without knowing how to communicate with the kids.  Wrong.  It was…hard.  So much fun, but hard.  They are SO cute.  I have about 6 orphans that I was ready to put in my suitcase and take home with me…although if I were to smuggle six orphans into the States they would be removed from my custody immediately and I would go to prison.   Nonetheless, I want to adopt some kids.  I was just told not to get married, not come home with a kid.  Suck on that Rhonda.

So, after VBS, Kristi and I had a fabulous lunch then we met up at the Student Center to head out into the forrest to pick up trash and then have a traditional Ukrainian BBQ  (pronounced Sheeshleek, pretty sure that’s not even close to how you spell it.)  So, as we walk to the bus (Marshuka-again I’m spelling phonetically, not correctly) I have NO idea what’s in store for me.  I also am thinking that I may have a hole in my stomach because of all the Ukrainian drugs I’ve been taking for my SARS, so imagine my delight and surprise when we pull up into the forrest entrance and then hike, I’m pretty sure about 26 miles straight up hill.  The bus (Marshutka) ride was, um, hot.  Ukrainians have a belief that drafts make you sick and die, so open windows are not popular.  However, Kristin K. Thomas has a belief that hot people kill people, not drafts.  Or heat stroke kills.  Whatev.  When in Ukraine.  So, we hike.  As I mentioned above, the Ukrainians are all up on this mountain.  Scampering, like nimble forest creatures.  Texas (Me), not doing so hot.  I finally make it up the mountian, into a clearing, to find that the students have disbanded into the forrest to find firewood.  (PS-Twilight fans, this little clearing is exactly what I pictured Bella and Edward’s meadow to be, just FYI)  Um, ’scuse me?  I thought firewood was something you bought at your local Alsups in winter time, with Christmas trees…nope.  Away I go to hunt.  Luckily, sweet Shannon gave me wonderful directions. 

So, the boys started on the fire and the ladies took our gloves and trash bags and headed deep within the forrest.  There was trash everywhere.  I did three bags and I was so proud of myself.  Then I saw Ira, whom I love with my whole heart, carrying a bag full of trash that weighed about twice as much as she does, up a steep cliff, in a dress.  Yeah, my three bags…how can I say this…sucked.  Yeah, sucked works. 

So, the trash-picking-up came to an end, and we had a ton of trash and some people start playing volley ball, while Kristi and I watch the real action.  The sheeshleeking, if you will.  I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.  You put meat on a stick and place it over hot embers to cook it.  It sounds simple, but actually, it’s amazing.  A neighbor, who we will call “Drifter”, who lives in the forrest, I think, came over to help.  He brought his axe…a little frightening at first, but the naked lady tattooed on his forearm really calmed my nerves.  Oh and another thing that makes Ukrainian men awesome is their ability to go above and beyond all normal tasks, while holding a cigarette firmly in their mouth, the whole time.  Even more amazing, the ash of the cigarette stays in place the whole time.  It’s magical, like Disneyland, to watch these men work at full speed with an entire cigarette made of ash sticking out of their mouths.  Unbelievable. 

So, the sheeshleek is done, but sadly because of the gaping hole in my stomach lining, I could only taste it and it was ah-mazing, of course.

Oh, I failed to mention that yesterday was sweet Ira’s birthday.  After the sheeshleek, there was a surprise party planned.  If you don’t remember Ira, she is the one carrying the ginormous Santa bag full of trash up a mountain in a dress.  She’s fabulous.  Anywhosen, after a hot and sweaty bus ride back to the Student Center, the surprise party begins.  It’s not just a hoppin’ good time, no.  There is an all-out dance party.  O. (Pause) M. (Pause) G.  You know how I love a good dance party, so imagine my excitement when we started breaking it down.  First up, the Macarena.  Magical.  Uh. [/said with eyes shut and emotions coursing through body]  It was SO much fun.  By the end of the night, I was disgusting.  Probably the most disgusting I’ve been since being in Ukraine.  But let me tell you, it was worth it. 

Today, we did VBS again in the morning.  Grabbed lunch and then we went to the lake.  Again, didn’t know what to expect.  It wasn’t like PK.  Oh no.  It was like a beach.  There were tons of people, and it being Europe, guess what else there were…SPEEDOS!!  Can I get an h yeah?!  In fact, it was like Normandy.  We were surrounded by, not just Speedos, oh no, but MULTICOLORED speedos-on men with pot bellies.  It was beautiful, almost too beautiful, like a baby’s laugh, a rainbow, or Robert Pattinson.  Fab-u-loso.  I took many a good shot on Kristi’s camera.  I also got the best picture ever, but Kristi probably is going to  delete it.  Sad day.  The legend will just have to live on, without proof.  But my great grandkids will hear about this.  Pass this shchit on for generations.  Oh and PS, the Ukrainian word for “shield” is “shchit”.  The shchit of Faith.

Oh and there was a lady walking around in a mesh tank top…nothing underneath.  Jake called her his “Ukrainian Princess”.  That just makes me laugh thinking about it.  I wanted to let her know that her shirt was see-through, like that helpful lady at Victoria Secret did that one time, but my Ukrainian isn’t very good.

So after a really wonderful day at the lake, Shannon invited us over for a pasta supper!  It was so much fun.  We prepared the meal listening to country music.  And we laughed a lot.  It was a great time.  I love nights like tonight.  Now K-Flake and I are getting ready for a big day tomorrow.  How blessed are we!?  Love it. 

LaRho and Nicole are in the Bahamas…I got the better end of this deal.  Love and miss you all!!

Oh and just in case you want a visual, here is just the tip of the sexy ice berg: Compliments of Kristi L. Flake:

"The Cowboy hat makes it." -K. Flake

I hope he's single.

Close up

Don’t fret sweet friends, I will have a big long post about the AMAZING time I had at camp last week, but I need to devote more time to it than I am willing to spend right now.  It’s midnight and we start VBS bright and early in the morning. 

So, today we went on a scavenger hunt.  There were three teams.  My team consisted of what one team member called “The Blondes”…yeah, we didn’t have a snow ball’s chance in you know where on winning this thing.  But, by God, we are going to give it our all…

Let’s keep 4 things in mind, please:
1.  I have the black lung.  I’ve been coughing alot for the last couple of days;
2.  I have on flip-flops;
3.  My 2 year old full-cup Demi…should have been retired about 1.5 years ago; and
4.  The last time I did a scavenger hunt, I was 15, about 98 pounds and was in peak physical condition. 

A lil’ visual, if you will.  The winner of the scavenger hunt wins…drum roll, please…a packet of Ranch.  It’s a big deal.   So, Barbie, Skipper and I are off.  Dead set on winning.  Oh yeah, and the average age of my team is 18.  We take off.  Running.  The streets of L’Viv.  I’m doing pretty good at first (thank you bootcamp) but then, the coughing starts.  I pull back.  As I’ve learned from my time as a racehorse trainer, you don’t want to start off too quickly, because you’ll peak too soon or you’ll break a leg and have to be shot.  So, I begin walking, quickly, but definitely not running.  I was not prepared.  Next time, I will definitely be wearing tennis shoes and a sports bra.  I was out of control. 

So, this hunt takes us all over.  At one point, I tried to bribe my team.  I told them I would mail them packets of ranch when I got home if they would not make me run anymore.  I would mail them a whole bottle of ranch if they would just make the running stop.  Nope.  We continue.  Ukrainian’s Top Models (aka my team) have the endurance of marathoners.  I keep coughing.  And with my love of running, I am enjoying every minute of this scavenger hunt. 

Big finish: so when we get back to the student center, I’m disgusting.  Ukrainian women glow.  Kristin, sweats and smells like a Ukrainian man.  They bound up the stairs.  I am bounding (or something) also, when I notice that I am a hot mess.  Not only am I having issues, but I am having a wardrobe malfunction, if you will.  Not quite on the Janet level, but pretty close.  So, I, Kristin K. Thomas was about to walk into a student center full of people with this little mess going on.  Then I start to think, how long have I been running around L’Viv like this?  Hmmm…this reminds me of a situation I have mentioned previously in my “When is it alright to say certain words” blog.  Good, good times. 

So, marking Ukrainian Scavenger hunt off my bucket list.  Tomorrow we have VBS in the morning and then we are going into the forest to pick up trash.  Holla.

Ok, before I get into the awesome ballet I saw yesterday, I have a bone to pick with my family.  LaRhonda, Nicole, Tara and Brenda, how dare you?  Shout out Courtney and Colby, but I’m very upset that those beeps get to stay with you guys before their cruise.  I hope all four of you get sea sick…dangit wait, that’s not the Missionary spirit.  I hope you are only sea sick one day…or it’s cloudy and rainy and you’re not sea sick.  Hmmmm.  I’m jealous.

Ok, so yesterday as I mentioned, we went to the ballet to see Swan Lake.  I LOVED it.  It was my first ballet experience.  (Not including the Nutcracker at the Lubbock Shivic Shenter.)  It was fabulous.  Like nothing I’ve ever seen.  I want to be a ballerina.  It might be too late, though.  And I don’t think anything that tight will ever touch this bod.  Ever.  Unitards…don’t really look good on anyone.  I kept thinking of the best night ever-after the challenge banquet last year at the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut.  If you were there, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. 

So, the set is ah-mazing.  The costumes, are ah-mazing in ballet standards, a little to tight for my liking, but whatev.  So, the dancing was phenomenal.  Let’s get to the point, shall we…

There was a fight.  In ballet.  Fight.  I never knew fighting could be so…graceful.  We’ll say graceful.  Now, the two guys, one in a white tard, and one in a black tard, duked it out DDR style.  Villain, who was in the black tard had some fierce eyebrows and a widows peak.  Hero, white tard, was a pretty boy with a sparkly bolero over his uni.  So, they begin there fight with some pretty fancy feet work.  They À la seconde toward each other.  Hero did an Arabesque, while Villain Chassé-ed.  Hero fell to the ground in a precise, dramatic faint pose.  Villain pranced around and Fouetté jeté-ed in a victory twirl.  Hero was back on his dainty ballerino feet (yes, I said ballerino, ah-thank you, Shannel)   With a Pirouettte and a Plié he was back.  He leaped towards Villain jumped straight in the air, fast scissor of the legs and bam!  Villain falls to the floor and begins to roll.  Now, if I’m ever killed in a production, I’m going out like this: he rolls stage right, rolls stage left, rolls back to the middle and the lays center stage for all to see he died.  Very dramatic.  I’ll try to post pictures later.  But, can we really say Hero won.  There is no  winner when unitards are involved.  Just sayin’.  And next time you are in a dark deserted alley and come across a suspicious lurker, Relevé yourself towards him and I’m sure he will flee…in fear.

We leave for the camp tomorrow!    I’m super excited!!

That means “Happy Birthday America” in Ukrainian.

WOW!  That’s about all I can say.  WOW!  This has been the best experience ever.  Yesterday, we started off our 4th of July planning for the camp we are going to on Tuesday.  I can’t wait.  This is going to be SO much fun.  I was talking with my new friend Ira (or Yra, I’m not sure how it is spelled) about the camp yesterday.  Here is our conversation:

Ira:  You have to be careful about snakes.  There will be a lot of them at the camp.
Kristin: Are they poisonous?
Ira: No…well some.
Kristin: Excuse me while I go change my pants.

So, adventure all around!  At least I know there will be snakes.  That makes it less of a surprise and less likely I am to pass out or urinate on myself in front of the group.  I mean, we deal with rattlesnakes in Texas, right?  Even though the only rattle snakes I have seen have been at the Rattlesnake Round up and they were in a cage or made in to some awesome form of clothing.  I’m totally getting a pair of a**less rattlesnake chaps when I get home.  Off. The. Chain.

Ok, sorry, I got distracted.  So, we went on a tour of the city after our planning meeting.  WAIT.  Before that we went and ate lunch at a New York style pizza place!  How fun is that?  We went with David and Shannon and David’s mom (Jenny) and brother, Jake.  Let me just take a moment to tell you how absolutely wonderful these people are.  They are wonderful.  Every single Goran in Ukraine (Currently, there are 5 in L’Viv).  I can’t tell you how grateful and blessed I am to know each one!  Anything we need, they provide.  They are just amazing.  And they’re fun.  So, we go eat lunch.  Then Kristi, Jake,  Jenny, Danny (David’s other brother) and I take a tour of L’Viv.  It was so much fun.  Lot’s of walking and lots of stairs, but completely worth every moment.  The history here is so fascinating.  And the architecture is beautiful.  I’m going to bring some ideas back to PSC.  There is a point of L’Viv called the High Castle.  It is the highest point in L’Viv…maybe.  I’ll ask, but you can see the entire city from up there.  So, we decide to make the trek up to the High Castle.  It started pouring.  So we ducked into a little underground bar.  It is exactly what I pictured Ukraine to be like.  Stone walls.  Singing people.  Vodka.  Beet soup.  Ah-mazing.

When the weather cleared up, we headed back to the Goran’s to have our 4th of July cookout.  There were hamburgers, hot dogs, brownies, apple crisp, potato salad, deviled eggs, watermelon, berries.  It was a feast.  We played games that Jenny taught us.  She is a drama teacher and so they were drama games.  It was a blast.  At one point I was laughing so hard I was crying.  It was fun.  Then we decided to try and get to the High Castle at night.  It started raining again.  This time with a little bit of hail.  It was like we were back in Lubbock.  We pushed on.  Now, if you remember a few months back when Brenda, Tara and I decided to go caving.  That “little” hike.  Yeah, it was a lot like that only in the rain…with more stairs.  The view from the top was well worth the 8,000 stairs.  It was beautiful.  And from the top we saw some fireworks.  Ukrainians shoot them off at weddings.  A tradish that I think Americans should pick up on.  Although, the Americans I know probably shouldn’t even handle fireworks once a year, so I retract that last statement.

After a long day, Kristi and I came back to the student center and crashed.

This morning, the church service was here.  It was beautiful.  I was teary- eyed at one point.  The songs are American songs translated into Ukrainian.  It was beautiful.  There were quite a few people here.  I loved it.  Then we went to a Ukrainian version of Luby’s and were planning on playing volleyball this afternoon.  I know what you’re thinking.  Kristin K. playing volleyball?  Yes, I was going to try…once.  But it started to pour rain again, so now we are at the student center.  Kristi is taking a nap and Little Roman and I are hanging or “chilling”, if you will.  We’re sitting in silence because we can’t understand each other very well.  We had a staring contest…he won.  I don’t know how his eyes didn’t dry up.  I hope I wasn’t scowling.  He’s probably scared. 

We have a video conference call to Kristi’s parent’s church at 5:00 then we are having a girls night where Shannon, Jenny, Kristi and I go to the ballet and then dinner.  Best mission trip ever.  Kristi and I find it amusing that Kristi’s parent’s church is in the middle of nowhere in East Texas and FUMC (the million dollar church), our church and SPONSOR,  can’t do a video conference or even an e-mail.  Yeah… But I guess when you have a church of 5,000 and there are 3 overseas missionaries (two of which are from the Thomas family) you can’t expect much.  Oh well.

Miss you and love you all…excuse me LOVE Y’ALL!!

Enjoy some pictures:

Hey hey hey!  So, I’m currently writing this blog from the Student Center in L’viv, Ukraine.  It’s 11:14 pm.  We FINALLY got here!  We left Lubbock at 1:10pm on Wednesday.  I actually left my house at 10:00 Wednesday, but whatev.  So, we got here this morning, Friday, at about 6:30  am.  Holler!  The flights weren’t actually bad.  It was long but I didn’t cuss one time.  We did almost miss our flight in London.  We literally had to RUN onto the runway.  The door was shut and everything.  They lowered the stairs and away we went.  It was great.  Everyone already on the plane hated us.  And the were Germans, so it was a rough crowd.  I will have to tell you about our experience with Continental.  We almost didn’t have seats on our flight to London.  That caused us to be almost an hour late, which is why we had to run.

We got into Ukraine at 4:30.  For some reason, I thought that was where our venture ended.  Oh no.  We then hopped on a bus that took us to a train.  We had a 10 hour train ride to get to L’viv.  I felt like I was on the Hogwarts Express.  I thought maybe I was going to Hogwarts, but they just didn’t tell me.  So, I tried a few spells.  Anywho, we got to sleep on the train, which was nice.  There were bunks.  Then we chug-chugged into L’viv and went straight to the Gorans (Missionaries who live here).  Oh and I forgot to mention that two of our bags didn’t make it.  It’s all of the stuff we need for VBS and…drum roll please…my cosmetics/toiletries!  Get it, Gene Wilder with your clear eyelashes!

I have learned two Ukrainian words: Thank you and White.  I can’t type them up here because I don’t know how to spell them and I don’t know how to change the keys to their alphabet.

After a shower (Praise the Lord) and a nap (Hallelujah) we went to a food market.  It was pretty cool.  It’s berry season, so we got a ton of freshly picked berries for ridiculously cheap. 

Tonight, we came to a birthday party at the student center.  It was really neat.  We got to chat with some students.   Try some authentic Ukrainian food.  It was so much fun.  Oh and we watched some Ukrainian cartoons.  The student center (where we are staying) is on the fourth floor, so I’m going to have some killer legs when I get back.  I’ll be ready for the Shallowater Stampede (Shout out Paulette). 

Tomorrow, we have a tour of L’viv planned.  It’s really a beautiful city.  I’m excited.  We also have a 4th of July cook out planned.  Kristi and I are bringing potato salad.  HEATHER VASSAR suggested I bring sparklers, however, I wasn’t sure about getting those through security on a plane, so we may have to try to find some here.  And Sunday night, we are going to the ballet at the Opera House to see Swan Lake.  How cool is that?  I’ve never been to the ballet before, much less a ballet in Ukraine. 

Oh and whoever said that Ukraine isn’t hot…lied.  It is about 100 percent humidity.  Which, being from Lubbock, I am the sweatiest person in the whole country.  Even the drunk homeless man sleeping outside the center is not as sweaty as me.

Now, Ukrainian women are beautiful.  It’s a fact.  They are all so skinny. Do you know how you can tell the difference between a Ukrainian and an American?  If the girl is wearing 4 inch heels and her no-no squares are out…she’s Ukrainian.  I’m actually thinking of picking up some of the fashion trends.  Lubbock, Texas won’t know what hit them.

The Gorans have been ABSOLUTELY wonderful!  They are the nicest people.  David has two brothers and they are both here with his mother.  They are great too.  I don’t know what we would do without them.  Yes, I do.  We would die.  We would get lost, raped and murdered.  Shannon is AH-MAZING!  We’ve gotten to spend quite a bit of time with her so far and she is absolutely wonderful. 

Well, that’s all for tonight dear blog.  Everyone have a safe 4th.  Miss you guys!!!

Ok, where in the world have I been?  It’s not fair and I’m so sorry.  Here is a quick one over of my life:

I LOVE my job.  It’s absolutely perfect and such an example of how when you let go how God takes control of your life.  I leave for Ukraine in 2 weeks.  I CAN’T wait.  I am going to be thrusted out of my comfort zone and I’m going to have to push myself and I’m so excited about that.  I’m moving July 24th.  My friend Rayanne and I are getting an apartment.  It’s going to be SO much FUN!

That’s the big stuff.  I’ve been doing a bootcamp with my friend Paulette from work.  It’s tough.  I realized that as much as I want to be, I’m not a runner.  I don’t understand why one would run if no one is chasing you or if there is no ice cream man.  I mean, I don’t really think  I would even run from a big dog.  I would just lay down and expose my jugular so he could get it over with.  But, I am determined that I will run some day.  Sweet Heather Vassar thinks we should train for a half marathon.  Yeah, 13 ish miles.  No thank you.  I was thinking of more of a 1 mile fun run.  We shall see.

So, I am leaving for Ukraine on July 1st for 18 days.  We are doing a summer camp for college students and VBS for orphans at an orphanage.  I am so excited.  It’s all I think about.

Ric leaves for Guatemala on Friday.  He’s going with some missionaries from The Woodlands to do construction on a church there.  He is then staying two weeks after to study Spanish.

Um, that’s the really big stuff.  I will have some computer access in Ukraine, so I will try and update while I’m there.  Ok, bye.

Yeah.  I went to Mountain Hideaway today.  Last time I was there it was to get Ric a Northface jacket and Nicole summed it up nicely “I’m uneasy.  It smells of wood.”  So, Brenda, Tara and I are going caving this weekend, and I decided I really need Chacos.  Not only for this weekend, but for Ukraine and for every other outdoor adventure I will get myself into this summer.  So, I enter.  Scared and alone on my lunch break.  Well the person who helps me, I kind of know.  So, it is sort of awkward.  I mean, he was absolutely wonderful, but you know when you know someone but neither of you say it…it’s just kind of weird.  Anywhosen, I’m lost.  I can’t find the shoes.  Went to the wrong side.  Then there is a dog.  Who is fun and nice, but is that size, like all dogs her size, she comes directly to my crotch.  Like all dogs that size.  Of course.  So, he (and the dog) are helping me find the perfect Chacos.  He asks me what I am doing that I need Chacos.  Here is how the conversation went:

GUY: So, are you repelling in or what?
ME: (Oh h no) Um, I sure hope not!
GUY: Who are you going with?
ME: Uh…my…uh…friend.
GUY: So you and your friend are going caving?  Just the two of you?
ME: No.  Uh….we are going with a group.
GUY: What’s your friend’s name
ME: [Nervous whisper and mustache sweat] Tara…[I'm full on sweating at this point.  Cue sweat triangles]
GUY: Is it a group from Tech?  I might know some people.
ME: [Speaking really fast and probably in a British accent] We’re meeting a group in Carlsbad.

So, this nervous convo goes on for a while.  Then I find the perfect Chacos for my Fred Flinstone feet.  Oh and all the while the crotch sniffing dog is hanging around.  Laying on my feet.  Liking the sales guy.  It’s a party.  Here is the icing on the Mountain Hideaway rice cake:

GUY: I’ve never been caving.
ME: Oh, you should go…[fearing it was creepy and weird]…with your friends…[another awkward long pause]…sometime.
GUY: …Silence…

And that’s the last time Kristin goes to Mountain Hideaway.

Let me tell you something about fair-skinned people like me.  Every year, we think this is the year our bodies are magically going to produce more pigment and we are going to get a tan.  Wrong.  And every year I end up red and burned to a crisp.   I see my sister and cousins who just think about tanning and BAM they are bronze goddesses.  Then there is me.  Growing up being called “Powder” and “Albino” really ruins a person.  So, what do I do?  I got a tanning bed membership.  My golden sister goes, and I thought “Self, this makes sense.  We have some of the same genes…it will work this year.”  So, I go.  I go for just a few minutes.  No  burn.  Whew.  I survived the Lubbock tornado to tan.  So, Saturday morning, the sister and I go to tan.  I’m brave.  I didn’t burn last time.  This time.  I’ll up it.  And I will try a dun dun dun STAND UP BED.  My Metabolic peeps said that stand ups are the best ones to use because of circulation and blah blah blah.  So, I say 10 minutes for a stand up please.  Away I go.

Have you ever been burned under your arm pits?  Let me tell you something about the under armpit area.  Everything touches it.  Everything rubs up against it.  Oh and your hips…yeah.  Jeans, even elastic bands are always touching it.  I am radiating heat off my crispy red body.  I’m to the point where I am so red, I can’t tell if I am actually still red, or if I’m really dark.  Maybe my retnas are burned too. Rock lobster.

Remember my army friend?  Yeah, the one who didn’t realize it was me.  Well one time he texted me and asked if he should take a bath in bleach because he was sunburned.  After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I told him it was a BAD idea.  Well, my cousin, Candice, who is my role model, told me to take a hot shower.  Well, I’ll see your shower and raise you a bath.  Why?  Apparently I am insane.  I have never.   I repeat NEVER been in more pain.  I do this to myself.  Good Lord.